Each heartbreak is different. The first heartbreak is an intense, gut wrenching loss. You’ve never felt such pain before and you feel like it you’ve been torn apart. Everyone tells you that that the first is the worst and in a way it is. But I feel like the heartbreaks that follow are mixed with an anger that you’ve let yourself wind up this way again. There’s a sadness in having to rebuild yourself, especially as it means accepting that one day you will most likely feel this way all over again. When you’re in love with someone, you pour some of you into them. So I can’t help but feel that each time someone you love walks away, they take away a part of you and leave you a little bit more empty.
This blog was meant to be motivational and its veering far closer to depressing, but I feel like a bit of wallowing is needed before we get to picking ourselves up and dusting ourselves off. The most difficult part of this process seems to be acceptance. My last break up was like a car crash with no survivors and I very much knew there was no crawling back to the wreckage. But this time around, it feels like I’m trying to wean myself off of someone when every single part of me is fighting against it.
It’s like giving up a drug, in that allowing yourself hits of it will bring temporary relief, but in the long term you’ll wind up feeling exhausted and no where nearer being rid of the addiction. If you message or ring your ex partner it allows you to feel close to them and therefore temporarily relieves some of the withdrawal, but it doesn’t bring you any closer to long term relief. The fact is, to move on from them you have to first let them go.
This will feel impossible, trust me I know. Their touch is etched on your skin and the happiness you felt when you were with them taunts you constantly. You feel like nothing will be ok until you are back in their arms, smelling their smell and soaking up each second of their company. But you have to learn how to breathe without them now. This might make you feel angry or scared or confused and that’s ok. It’s a million times easier to fall in love than it is to fall out of it.
So let yourself feel bitter for what you’ve lost, accept your confused emotions and indulge yourself whenever you feel you need to. I’m writing this blog as the emotions happen to me and the result is something that is raw and not sugar coated. I could tell you you’ll move on and it takes time but these are things you’ve heard a million times before and right now they probably don’t really mean anything. So I’m putting my hands up and admitting that I still hope every message I get will be from him, not a single part of me wants to move on and I am completely out of control of my own emotions right now. But that’s ok. I’m stumbling on and sometimes that’s all you can do, and for now that’s good enough.