It feels like a light’s been switched off. All the excitement, happiness and energy that you felt when you were with them isn’t there anymore and you just feel exhausted. You don’t even know how to deal with your emotions and you’re walking around like a zombie.
All of the hurt, the loss, the memories and the conversations of the last few days are swimming around your head and you start to just feel numb to it all. You don’t really care about what anyone says or does around you because you feel lost deep within yourself. This is where you begin to understand that it’s not the moment they left that’s the worst, but all of the days that they stay gone.
All you can do now is retain the faith that eventually positive emotion will seep back into your life. Maybe only in moments and maybe very slowly, but one day the happiness you felt when you were with them will return. That’s got to be worth holding on for hasn’t it?
I know it feels like you’ve lost the best part of you and you keep desperately hoping to wake up and discover that this was only a dream and that they’ll be lying there next you. The reason that your memories with them feel so heart wrenching is because you recognise the happiness that you no longer feel. But if you had the capability of those positive emotions before, you have the capability to feel them again. You feel like your happiness left with him but it’s still there, it’s just overshadowed by your pain.
If you’re like me, you’ve searched the internet and read about the ‘stages of heartbreak’ to try and understand how you feel. But it seems to me that, rather than there being an ordered progression of emotion, there’s a million different thoughts and feelings that fill your head.
You drive yourself mad imagining them with someone else, going over past memories or wondering what they’re doing right now. All of this feels so difficult and so scary that you find yourself going through the motions of each day without feeling like you’re even really there. It’s a sense of great detachment, like you’re watching life as if it were a play and you’re just a member of the audience.
When it first happened all you wanted to do was message absolutely everyone and spill all of your emotions to them in the desperate hope that somehow they could make it better. Now you’ve probably reached a point where you feel like there’s nothing more to say and you’d rather just become a recluse.
But this pain is a bit like a blister, all of the emotions build up and create a pressure and the only way to release the pressure is to drain them because the more pressure there is, the more pain you feel. So if you’ve reached a point where you feel trapped within yourself and overwhelmed by the things around you, just force yourself to keep talking to people, keep leaving the house, keep doing these things, even if you are just going through the motions for now.