Gooood afternoon readers! I hope you have had a wonderful week and will have a fabulous bank holiday! If you’re going out for bank holiday, enjoy and stay safe, especially if you’re going to be drinking! Now, onto today’s post! I was going to do a list of my top 5 seasonal drinks ready for the autumn season, but I had a moment last night where I sat down and thought about everything that has gone on these past few months of my life and who has helped me through it and came to a kind of realisation/epiphany/conclusion about myself; I am worth something.
Now, I’m sure you have all had moments where you either thought you were completely worthless and had no self-confidence, or you had all the confidence in the world and knew you were worth everything. I have had so many moments where my mindset has been at either end of the spectrum these past few months and it’s been an emotional roller coaster for me and, probably, a lot of hard work for my friends to deal with my emotional states.
One of the first reasons that I am constantly flipping mindsets of self worth is because I was raised by a single mum and my “father” was never in the picture until I was 13, in which he decided he suddenly wanted something to do with me and be in my life, until he decided once again, 3 years later, that he no longer wanted that and decided to slowly cut off contact once again. Being raised by a single mum isn’t the actual reason for me being so un-assured of myself at times, it was the fact that out of 5 children, my father decided that I was the only one he didn’t want to keep in contact with or help raise. I constantly pushed myself to try and prove that he wouldn’t regret being in my life, but that didn’t seem to be enough for him and so he left.
A second reason, and a knock-on effect from reason 1, is that I feel I have to constantly prove to my friends that I am a good friend, which means that I have a tendency to let people walk over me and think they can treat me badly without me standing up for myself. I’ve started to grow out of that now but it still happens. As well as this, I tend to come second best to my friends when it comes to romantic relationships. People I like tend to prefer my friends or will hit on me just to get to a friend which then makes me believe that I’m not good enough and that I never will be unless I’m more like my friends which ends up with me changing who I am instead of being my own person.
Finally, break-ups. I know, I know, typical cliche that someone loses their self-worth by going through a break-up, but it is a serious topic that many people tend to overlook or think is stupid, but for some people break-ups can be seriously damaging, especially if it was a long-term relationship that made you believe you were going to spend the rest of your life with your partner and then suddenly, they could no longer see a future with you in it. Personally, I haven’t had that long-term relationship yet, but I know friends who have and I’ve seen them spiral down because someone ripped their heart out of their chest and crushed it to dust in their hand. However, I have been in a relationship where I was falling for someone only to find that they changed their mind about wanting to be with me in the space of a few days, feeding me a lie instead of the truth, that they wanted someone else. The past two break-ups I have experienced have ended with my exes ending up with their best friends who I thought I didn’t have to worry about, and it’s damaged me slightly because now I no longer believe in a “happily ever after”, I cringe at romance, and it has made me into someone I never thought I would be, it made me a darker version of myself.
But, I am beginning to learn that it’s okay to sometimes become that version of yourself because it helps you learn from mistakes and it can, in a way, help you grow. From becoming this side of me, I have started to realise that I don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy, I don’t need to hold back from doing what makes me happy just because I may be judged harshly for doing so, and I don’t need to please everybody at the same time. As long as I have the people that care about me in my life, I don’t need to do anything but what I want to do. I am worth everything, and I only need to prove that to myself and no one else.
Well, that’s me done for the day, thank you for reading if you made it this far! Stay true to who you are, and never let anyone change that.
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Until next time!